Walk By Faith And Not By Sight

It takes one unexpected bill in the mail, one collection call, one doctor visit that reveals a battery of costly tests and treatment plans and right in a flash the wind is knocked out of me. My false sense of security is planted in the echoing emptiness of my bank account. I hit my knees, breathless without hope, exhausted from trying to be strong and doing the paycheck to paycheck juggling act. Please God, take this financial pain from me. Show me what I am doing wrong and what I can do better. Lord take my finances and transform them in a way only you can. Take my talents and place me in a flexible job that I can care for my family and my finances. 

And after the tears are streaming down my face I have to consciously push aside my fear and worry and combat those thoughts with scripture that bring me back to truth. Truth that God, the provider, the healer, the prince of peace, the one whom loves me more than I can imagine, will bring me through this. God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1b Worry equals mistrust. I am a control person. I want to control the situation and the outcome. I want to have a handle on where I am going in life. I don't like to rely on anyone nor ask for help and I am independent to a fault and here I am on my knees relinquishing my fear, my control, and my mistrust and laying down my independence. I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

So I will dry my tears. I will pick myself back up. We will make a new plan. I will have faith in God to work this out for my good (Romans 8:28). I will wait on the Lord for his help because He is faithful (Isaiah 30:18) and I will continue to refill myself with the Word of God to give me peace and hope. I will move forward, one step at a time, one day at a time, one challenge at a time. I will will be strong and courageous, not afraid or discouraged (Joshua 1:9) not only for myself but for my three amazing children who count on me, look up to me, and who I am teaching by my actions and by living out my faith. And now it is time for me to be unceasing in prayer (1 Thessalonians 5:17) and wait for his provisions and answers as I walk by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

Transition to Pre-K

The transition from apartment life to single family home, from family nearby to now 1,400 miles away, from a full time working mom to a stay at home mom, from having friends, connections and routines to feeling isolated and alone. And now the transition from having all three toddlers to have one student and two toddlers. The only thing that I can be certain about in my life is that my life is always in transition. And for someone who typically doesn't welcome change or cope with it well, I have done a major overhaul on my life and I often feel like I am drowning without a life jacket. 

My first born has entered Pre-K on the Elementary School campus. The sweet and tender memories of her birth and those first moments with her feel like just yesterday.

Now, she is a vivacious, outspoken, intelligent, adventurous, sponge who seeks the world wholeheartedly for all it has to offer and all that she has to give. And with this big step she has grown to one more milestone and needs me just a fraction less.

We went to Meet The Teacher night and she couldn't be more excited and beside herself for her new adventure. I, on the other hand, tried my best to show only excitement and happiness on the outside for her but on the inside I was terrified, questioning every parenting and educational decision we have ever made for her. Troy and I had very serious conversations about the possibility of homeschooling and what that would mean for me and our family. I am up for the challenge but don't feel like it would be best for Aubrey, at least not yet. I prayed and prayed about where she should be, where my heart should be, and where I needed to focus my attention. God made it known to me in obvious ways that Aubrey is energized by people, desired friends and needed routine that with three young children I just couldn't provide. She had asked to go back to school and she was obviously bored at home without enough challenge or like minded, aka same aged small people, to interact with. Troy and I had long conversations and I shed many tears discussing the possibilities and where our path was taking us and especially Aubrey. So I loaded her up in the car and headed to Target for her back to school clothes shopping. We picked out a few new outfits and the necessities from her classroom supply list and ran full force into Pre-K. 

The night before Pre-K started Aubrey could hardly contain herself from the excitement. We practiced over and over again what her name is, my name, her Daddy's name and her teacher's name, all vital information if she gets lost or hurt. She had it down cold but the worry was still sunk at the pit of my stomach. The alarm went off at 6:45 am the next morning, her first day of school. Her head popped off her pillow so fast I thought she was only pretending to sleep. She got herself dressed in the pre-picked outfit from the night before, ate breakfast, hair up, teeth brushed, shoes on and out the door as a family we walked Aubrey to her first day of school. 

And did I tell you that my girl has some serious goals? She wants to be a mommy to 5 babies, a doctor and a scientist "because I can do anything I want and I can do all of it if I want to." Rock on baby! Keep that ambitious spirit and I will be your biggest cheerleader along the way. (Although we will have to have a serious talk about student loans and cost of childcare some day.)

Olivia talked about how much she was going to miss Aubrey while she was at class and Aubrey reassured her that some day she will get to go to her own big girl class but today was her turn because she was big already and that she was going to have a Mommy and Daddy day. Aubrey told her she would miss her and that she would see her really soon. It was amazing to see Aubrey give so much encouragement, have so much wisdom and empathy for Olivia. Their sweet conversations among themselves make this Mama heart proud.

I had pre-processed the first day of school and the fact that I was dropping off and leaving my baby girl with a stranger in a strange place. I had cried my tears and although the worry was still very real and present I actually didn't cry after dropping her off. Missing her ached in my heart immediately.

Troy usually processes things after things happen. I am the worrier before things happens and he processes after so he was caught up with emotion that day. Seeing his baby grow up and dropping her off was no easy task for this protective and proud Daddy.

At pick up time we were all there at the door waiting for it to swing open. Back pack on, sitting on her name square, Aubrey waited for her name to be called by Ms. Wolfe to give their good bye high fives and into my arms she ran. She gave Daddy a quick hug and immediately demanded to know where Olivia was because she "missed my Sissy so much!" She pulled her My First Day of Pre-K drawing out of her backpack and said "here Sissy! I made this for you while I was in class!" Ummmm, does she not understand that I am the Mama, that I gave her life and she is supposed to give me the art work? Have I seriously been demoted already? She isn't even a teenager yet! And that started a trend - from that first day until now any time she brings home her work it is immediately given to Olivia.

We talked about her day, her new friends, what she learned and the activities she did. We ended it with a first day of school 7-11 Slurpee treat for Aubrey and Doritos for Olivia! Landon just came along for the ride.

She loves going to school. She gets up every morning eagerly looking forward to going to Ms. Wolfe's class with her friends. The importance for Aubrey to go to Pre-K was less about being educationally prepared (we do a lot of homeschooling activities at home) but more about classroom preparedness and routine. Most days she does great. Some days she comes home with notes of behaviors that were less than extraordinary, which is obviously heart breaking for me. No one wants to have that kid in class and we work diligently at home to discuss what she did that wasn't a good choice, what she can do better next time, and explain what Ms. Wolfe's and our expectations are of her. I am so thankful for this experience and everything she is learning. Watching your child have life lessons and not being there to jump in to handle or even save her in that moment is quite an experience, not one for the weak of heart.

And so our #FaithJourneyCAtoTX continues.

Renovations - The Basics

The long list of things I want to change and update is pretty exhaustive. With limited resources and realizing my handiness and restrictive budget, unlike Joanna Gaines from Fixer Upper, I had to break down my list and prioritize.

First things first. Toilet paper holders. Why the previous owners took them, I will never know. Perhaps they were hand laid with swarovski crystals? She owned the house for 18 years so maybe sentimental memories? But alas, the first update had to be done. Thanks to Amazon Prime and my obsession with online shopping and savings, these beauties arrived at my door ready to be installed.

Now this may look like any old toilet paper holder but no! This is a pivoting holder. The arm swivels up to release the old roll and to add a new roll. Why is this so exciting you ask? This no hassle system will now prevent my children from pulling too hard on the old spring system, sending the roll flying and unravelling. It will also encourage the other adult in the house from actually replacing the roll when needed. And they are pretty. So it's a win in my house! You can get your own beauty here! 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003ZVEFZM/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Step two was to make progress on the girls' room.

Before

Olivia still had a toddler bed and she needed to graduate to a twin size so that I could use her mattress for Landon's crib. I also got them new matching bedding that I wanted to break out. So we headed to Sam's Club to get Olivia her new mattress. When we got home we just set the mattress on the floor and celebrated their new room with their new big girl bedding. Today we headed the 40 miles (!!!) to Ikea to get Olivia her matching bed frame like Aubrey. 

Maga and Pa wanted to get her a big girl bed as an early birthday present and she was so excited to go shopping! So we weaved ourselves, the stroller, and our two toddlers through the obnoxious maze of Ikea trying to hold on with a tight grip to our sanity until we reached the end. We finally arrived to the beds department where Olivia jumped on every bed exclaiming "is this my new bed?" And as promised, aka bribed, treats were waiting at the end for their "good" behavior - or at least what can be expected from an overstimulated, adventure seeking, wide eyed and adorable 2 and 4 year old. 

We headed home so Troy could assemble the new bed. And in true Ikea fashion, put together that simple bedframe with all 1,879 pieces, with the girls' help of course.

After
Need new rug and new curtains! 

Thank you Maga and Pa for the new bed frame! She loves it! She was quick to tell Aubrey the new rules. "This is my bed. That is your bed. Don't come on my bed. You have your own over there."

Next we had to tackle the yard. We have never had our own yard before and I had every intention of hiring a lawn service. My husband on the other hand had different ideas on the matter. The backyard has a good sized yard that needed a mow when we arrived. The previous owner had 6 dogs... so it needed some water and some clean up to "de-dog" it as well. Our trip to Home Depot to buy an electric dryer allowed us to window shop for lawn mowers on our way to the appliance department. Just so you know, they are pricey. 

Troy jokingly posted on Facebook about the need for a Go Fund Me account to purchase a mower and to our surprise a lawn mower was ordered and delivered to our door 3 days later. We are beyond thankful for Troy's Dad's generosity. Completely unexpected and whole heartedly appreciated. You should have seen Troy's eyes when it arrived. 

My electric dryer was delivered and installed that same day as well. After 12 days without being able to wash and dry laundry I was delighted to see it arrive. It was like Christmas in July! Troy had to go to work after it arrived so sadly he waited until Friday to get gas for his new lawn mower and take it for its inaugural spin around the backyard. 

The kids were so interested in what was happening in the backyard that they have yet been able to play in. For one, the backyard needed some clean up and a facelift before heading back to play. And for two, it was 105 degrees today. Yes, this man was so excited to play with his new toy that he mowed his entire backyard in 105 degree heat. 

After watching him do his man things outside, the kids and I were dripping with sweat, our cheeks rosy from the heat, and with the allure of the lawn mower subsided, we headed inside. Five and a half trash bags later and some fresh watering and the backyard is on its way to being our new space for play and adventure. Next on the Amazon wishlist... an edger/weed wacker thing. 

And so our #FaithJourneyCAtoTX continues.

Relocation - From Surf City USA to Cowtown USA

The story begins...

It wasn't without much discussion, many tears, fears, and faith that led us to the decision to take the next steps to relocate to Texas. It was a conversation and a dream started years ago which seemed like one of those bucket list items that would never take shape. Little did we know, God was leading us down a path that would take us to right where we wanted to be, many years down the road.

It was both of our dreams for me to stay home to raise our kids and to own a house. That dream was a far off fantasy living in California. We had to be a two income home to make ends meet. Although the location of where we lived is highly desired, it left us with a lot to be desired. Neither of us are beach people and for all intents and purposes we didn't take full advantage of our area and only stayed in Orange County because that was where we were born and raised and where our parents live. It was important for us to have our kids know and be raise with their extended family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and our closest and dearest friends. But at some point we had to evaluate the cost.

The ball got rolling when Troy accepted the transfer position from Santa Ana, CA to Roanoke, TX in early May. I was still on maternity leave with my son and I had fully enjoyed and thrived while being home with my kids. I think this helped sway my decision to get on board with the relocation as well. In Texas, it was possible for me not to return to work. And once that ball got rolling it quickly sped down hill.

On June 2nd Troy packed up his car with all his essentials and headed to Texas to start his new position. The kids and I stayed back until he found us a house and I could close up shop here. It was one of the hardest 35 days of my life. I didn't know when I was going to see him next, where we were going to live, if our savings would be drained before we even arrived. I was a single parent during that time and I am so fortunate that I was able to stay with my parents and have the help from my mom, dad, and siblings. Quick moments of them keeping an eye on the kids allowed me to eat a full meal, take a quick shower, make a phone call, or even have a good cry. The rocks in the storm of my life. I grew as a wife, a mother, a child, and in my faith. It was difficult and beautiful.

Troy and I had one quick turn around trip to Texas in late May and it was terrible, for multiple reasons. The clock was ticking, the pressure was on, and Troy was leaving with or without me to start work. After that trip I did all the house hunting virtually and we put an offer on a house neither of us had seen in person. When Troy arrived to Texas we were already in escrow and in our option period. He took a tour of the house and we prayed about it. We decided to go for it and we bought a house that I had never stepped foot in.

Escrow closed on June 30th. Since I wasn't working Troy had to qualify for the home loan himself. He did all the leg work with the loan officer, the real estate agent, the inspections, the appointments, and all the hoops that he had to jump through to get to where we are. I am so incredibly proud of him and how much he accomplished for himself and for his family. I have seen a new level of self esteem rise up from him. He is proud of his career, his home, his wife and kids, and all he has accomplished.

Finally, over 4th of July weekend Troy flew into California, packed the U-Haul truck, and headed East to our new home.

My mom and my godmother drove my mini van so that the kids and I could follow by plane a few days later. My sister flew with us so I could have an extra pair of adult hands to help get me through all the traveling with 3 kids ages 4 and under.

We arrived at midnight Texas time, I took a tour of my new home, and went to bed. In the morning we did some unpacking, hung out and went to Golden Corral for lunch.

That night Troy had to take my mom, sister, and godmother to the airport. I didn't even get a whole day with them. I can't remember the last time I sobbed that hard and for that long. I wasn't ready to let go, I wasn't ready for my mom to leave, and I wasn't ready to start this new life in a completely unknown place. My heart was broken, my fear overwhelming, and the regret was starting to creep in. The thought of "what have I done?" and "did I do this because I am selfish?" repeated itself over and over. When Troy drove away with all of them in the car I called my sister in NY to cry, to hear her voice, to try not to hyperventilate, and most of all not to feel so alone.

And this was just the beginning of my #FaithJourneyCAtoTX of relocating, renovating, and rejuvenating.