Where is heaven? And can he come back?

Distance is felt deeply these days. Distance from our roots, family, friends, and the familiar.

November 9, 2016 will be a day I never forget. That night started like any other. Troy was at work and I was home with the kids but on this night Troy's oldest sister called me. Aubrey was playing an alphabet game on my phone so I let it go to voicemail and thought I would just call her back later however she immediately called back again. I knew something was wrong. A huge knot grew in the pit of my stomach. I answered and she was sullen, withdrawn almost cold even in her tone. She asked where Troy was because he wasn't answering his phone. I explained he was at work but he would be on his lunch break in about 30 minutes if she wanted to try then. There was a brief pause and then I asked her what was wrong. At that moment my world was changed forever. "Daddy is dead" was what she said. My mind went blank and was racing all at the same time. I needed more information. What do you mean? Dead like gone? Not in an accident? Not at the hospital? Where are you? Where is he? Is this a joke? Where is Linda? How do you know?

That was the night that I had to call my husband on his lunch break and tell him to please drive safely and to come home immediately. He knew only something catastrophic had to have happened if I was telling him to come home early. I set the girls up in our room with a movie, turned up the TV, and shut our bedroom door. I called my parents sobbing uncontrollably trying to tell them what had happened and seeking advice on how to break the news and in consequence break my husband. They were just as confused and sad as I was, once they could understand enough of my words between tears.

I started to pray "why God? Why did you take him? We are so far away and we didn't get to say good bye. What happened? Why are you making me tell my husband? This will break him. And I don't know if I am strong enough for the both of us. Give me the right words. Please give me strength."

I sat and waited and tried to prepare myself for the moment that you hope you never have to experience yet is inevitable, a moment that I felt was so many more years in our future. Today was the day I had to tell my husband that his father, his hero, his friend, and confidant had died. I looked out the front door waiting to see headlights whip into our driveway. The moment they flashed across my living room wall I sat breathlessly waiting for him to come inside. The moment he walked in the door I immediately told him the kids and I were fine and to please come sit down. He just kept repeating "just tell me" while standing in the doorway motionless as if time was literally standing still. And then the three words that I had the responsibility of sharing slipped out of my mouth... "it's your Dad." Like a devastated child he crumbled to the floor on his knees with uncontrollable tears and wails of pain from sadness, disbelief and anger. My strong, grounded, and fierce husband wept in my arms and I wept right along with him.

I got on the computer and we booked flights back home for 6:00 am the next morning. We threw some clothes in a suitcase for the family, some clean, some dirty, some essentials and slept for a couple hours before we headed to the airport. The next few days happened in a blur. We had only booked one way tickets. We had no idea what was next or when the services would even take place so our time in California was still undetermined. What we did know was that we wanted to be home with our family, in the comfort of the arms of the ones we love, surrounded by the people who loved us and loved Chuck just as much.

Explaining death, Heaven and faith to a three and four year old has its challenges. When they heard all the commotion outside of our room that night they came bustling out and wanted to know why we were crying. They kept rubbing Troy's leg, shoulder and face with concern for their Daddy. Aubrey's eyes started to well up with tears. Her empathy was surprising to me. She knew something was terribly wrong. It occurred to me as their questions poured over us that this was a teaching moment. It was also a pivotal moment in their own short lives. They may even one day be able to look back on this moment and remember exactly how they experienced their first family death and remember exactly how I handled the situation and my responses to their questions. At that moment I told them that Poppy had gone to Heaven and Daddy was very sad about it. This opened the Pandora's box of follow up questions and the most heart breaking questions of where is Heaven? How do we get there because I want to visit Poppy? And when is he coming back? They not only don't understand the difference between life and death or the distance between Heaven and Earth but also that they won't ever get to touch, hug, kiss, hang out with, call or video chat with their Poppy again. He won't be at their dance recitals, soccer games, Christmas programs, graduations or dance with them at their wedding. My son will have no memories of his own of Poppy. I am heartbroken. I am incredibly thankful for photos, a few short video clips and stories so Landon will one day know of how much he was loved by his Poppy.

It has been 5 months since that tragic day and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Chuck. Some days I am struck with so much grief and it often happens completely out of the blue. I am honest with my kids about my sadness but also about the hope and faith I have that I will see him again someday, when its my turn to go to Heaven when God decides it is time.

One night before bed Aubrey got sad and said she missed Poppy. I gave her the space to be sad and validated her feelings. I told her that Poppy is with her always as he lives in Heaven and in her heart, just like Jesus. I told her she could talk to Poppy like she talks to God whenever she wants and without any promoting she closed her eyes, folded her hands and prayed to God asking him to bring Poppy to her dreams so they could have fun together. Tears streamed down my face as my four year old daughter showed me how amazing her faith in God is and how her love for her Poppy are both built deep inside her.

Our conversations about death, heaven and Poppy aren't over. The loss of our son Caleb brought more grief in December and even more questions from my girls. Heart breaking questions with heart breaking answers. I try to find a way to bring the conversations back around to celebrating life, even when we can be consumed with moments of sadness. Whenever I feel the need for myself or if they ask, we pop in the DVD of the photo montage we made for Chuck's memorial service and see all the pictures of Poppy, as a kid, a young man, a newlywed, a dad and a grandfather. Our stories and these photos will let Poppy live on even if he isn't here on Earth with us anymore. My kids will know their Poppy. His story isn't over yet. He is missed but never forgotten. 

This was the last time we saw Poppy. They came out to visit us in Texas for Olivia's 3rd birthday. He passed 17 days later.

Landon got to go to Disneyland and meet Mickey Mouse for the first time with Poppy and Grammy. 

Walk By Faith And Not By Sight

It takes one unexpected bill in the mail, one collection call, one doctor visit that reveals a battery of costly tests and treatment plans and right in a flash the wind is knocked out of me. My false sense of security is planted in the echoing emptiness of my bank account. I hit my knees, breathless without hope, exhausted from trying to be strong and doing the paycheck to paycheck juggling act. Please God, take this financial pain from me. Show me what I am doing wrong and what I can do better. Lord take my finances and transform them in a way only you can. Take my talents and place me in a flexible job that I can care for my family and my finances. 

And after the tears are streaming down my face I have to consciously push aside my fear and worry and combat those thoughts with scripture that bring me back to truth. Truth that God, the provider, the healer, the prince of peace, the one whom loves me more than I can imagine, will bring me through this. God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1b Worry equals mistrust. I am a control person. I want to control the situation and the outcome. I want to have a handle on where I am going in life. I don't like to rely on anyone nor ask for help and I am independent to a fault and here I am on my knees relinquishing my fear, my control, and my mistrust and laying down my independence. I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

So I will dry my tears. I will pick myself back up. We will make a new plan. I will have faith in God to work this out for my good (Romans 8:28). I will wait on the Lord for his help because He is faithful (Isaiah 30:18) and I will continue to refill myself with the Word of God to give me peace and hope. I will move forward, one step at a time, one day at a time, one challenge at a time. I will will be strong and courageous, not afraid or discouraged (Joshua 1:9) not only for myself but for my three amazing children who count on me, look up to me, and who I am teaching by my actions and by living out my faith. And now it is time for me to be unceasing in prayer (1 Thessalonians 5:17) and wait for his provisions and answers as I walk by faith and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

Transition to Pre-K

The transition from apartment life to single family home, from family nearby to now 1,400 miles away, from a full time working mom to a stay at home mom, from having friends, connections and routines to feeling isolated and alone. And now the transition from having all three toddlers to have one student and two toddlers. The only thing that I can be certain about in my life is that my life is always in transition. And for someone who typically doesn't welcome change or cope with it well, I have done a major overhaul on my life and I often feel like I am drowning without a life jacket. 

My first born has entered Pre-K on the Elementary School campus. The sweet and tender memories of her birth and those first moments with her feel like just yesterday.

Now, she is a vivacious, outspoken, intelligent, adventurous, sponge who seeks the world wholeheartedly for all it has to offer and all that she has to give. And with this big step she has grown to one more milestone and needs me just a fraction less.

We went to Meet The Teacher night and she couldn't be more excited and beside herself for her new adventure. I, on the other hand, tried my best to show only excitement and happiness on the outside for her but on the inside I was terrified, questioning every parenting and educational decision we have ever made for her. Troy and I had very serious conversations about the possibility of homeschooling and what that would mean for me and our family. I am up for the challenge but don't feel like it would be best for Aubrey, at least not yet. I prayed and prayed about where she should be, where my heart should be, and where I needed to focus my attention. God made it known to me in obvious ways that Aubrey is energized by people, desired friends and needed routine that with three young children I just couldn't provide. She had asked to go back to school and she was obviously bored at home without enough challenge or like minded, aka same aged small people, to interact with. Troy and I had long conversations and I shed many tears discussing the possibilities and where our path was taking us and especially Aubrey. So I loaded her up in the car and headed to Target for her back to school clothes shopping. We picked out a few new outfits and the necessities from her classroom supply list and ran full force into Pre-K. 

The night before Pre-K started Aubrey could hardly contain herself from the excitement. We practiced over and over again what her name is, my name, her Daddy's name and her teacher's name, all vital information if she gets lost or hurt. She had it down cold but the worry was still sunk at the pit of my stomach. The alarm went off at 6:45 am the next morning, her first day of school. Her head popped off her pillow so fast I thought she was only pretending to sleep. She got herself dressed in the pre-picked outfit from the night before, ate breakfast, hair up, teeth brushed, shoes on and out the door as a family we walked Aubrey to her first day of school. 

And did I tell you that my girl has some serious goals? She wants to be a mommy to 5 babies, a doctor and a scientist "because I can do anything I want and I can do all of it if I want to." Rock on baby! Keep that ambitious spirit and I will be your biggest cheerleader along the way. (Although we will have to have a serious talk about student loans and cost of childcare some day.)

Olivia talked about how much she was going to miss Aubrey while she was at class and Aubrey reassured her that some day she will get to go to her own big girl class but today was her turn because she was big already and that she was going to have a Mommy and Daddy day. Aubrey told her she would miss her and that she would see her really soon. It was amazing to see Aubrey give so much encouragement, have so much wisdom and empathy for Olivia. Their sweet conversations among themselves make this Mama heart proud.

I had pre-processed the first day of school and the fact that I was dropping off and leaving my baby girl with a stranger in a strange place. I had cried my tears and although the worry was still very real and present I actually didn't cry after dropping her off. Missing her ached in my heart immediately.

Troy usually processes things after things happen. I am the worrier before things happens and he processes after so he was caught up with emotion that day. Seeing his baby grow up and dropping her off was no easy task for this protective and proud Daddy.

At pick up time we were all there at the door waiting for it to swing open. Back pack on, sitting on her name square, Aubrey waited for her name to be called by Ms. Wolfe to give their good bye high fives and into my arms she ran. She gave Daddy a quick hug and immediately demanded to know where Olivia was because she "missed my Sissy so much!" She pulled her My First Day of Pre-K drawing out of her backpack and said "here Sissy! I made this for you while I was in class!" Ummmm, does she not understand that I am the Mama, that I gave her life and she is supposed to give me the art work? Have I seriously been demoted already? She isn't even a teenager yet! And that started a trend - from that first day until now any time she brings home her work it is immediately given to Olivia.

We talked about her day, her new friends, what she learned and the activities she did. We ended it with a first day of school 7-11 Slurpee treat for Aubrey and Doritos for Olivia! Landon just came along for the ride.

She loves going to school. She gets up every morning eagerly looking forward to going to Ms. Wolfe's class with her friends. The importance for Aubrey to go to Pre-K was less about being educationally prepared (we do a lot of homeschooling activities at home) but more about classroom preparedness and routine. Most days she does great. Some days she comes home with notes of behaviors that were less than extraordinary, which is obviously heart breaking for me. No one wants to have that kid in class and we work diligently at home to discuss what she did that wasn't a good choice, what she can do better next time, and explain what Ms. Wolfe's and our expectations are of her. I am so thankful for this experience and everything she is learning. Watching your child have life lessons and not being there to jump in to handle or even save her in that moment is quite an experience, not one for the weak of heart.

And so our #FaithJourneyCAtoTX continues.